Not The Same Girl
by Andarte
Summary: An alternate ending for the books: After having a few months to recover in district 12, Katniss finally begins to face her feelings and realizes that being with Peeta is not fair to anyone. Katniss/Gale.


_I was one of the (apparently few) people who were stunned in the end when Gale went to District 2 and Katniss chose Peeta. I get it, sort of, but I still don't think it was right. I feel like the idea that Katniss belonged with Peeta is mainly because she "owes" him, and that isn't the same as love. So consider this my alternate ending for the books (even though they aren't mine to end). It is how I think it should have gone._

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It had been almost three months, but I finally felt myself returning to the land of the living. It was hard, since so many people I'd cared about were in the land of the dead, but I had always been one to survive and this time it was just taking me a bit longer to come around. Sometimes I still couldn't wrap my head around how the Capitol's anger towards me had snowballed out of control into this massive rebellion and now a new nation. Was it worth it? Was all the loss of lives worth it?

I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I barely registered the sound of Peeta walking up behind me, and barely felt the kiss he gave me. It was like I was in a fog, but finally felt myself breaking free. Or maybe just breaking. For the first time since I'd been here in my house in Victory Village, since I'd been told that my mother and Gale weren't returning, since I'd been attempting to live out my life with Peeta and Haymitch … finally it all came together in my mind. I'd been trying so hard to push everything out of my mind, as if I was foolish enough to believe that I could ever forget the lives that had been lost. Foolish enough to think that the comfort Peeta gave me would be enough.

The Hunger Games had thrown Peeta and I together, and then the façade of a relationship with him had put anything and everything else on hold. First in the Games, and then afterwards in the Rebellion, the only feelings I was permitted to admit or display had been feelings for Peeta. I didn't want to hurt him. He was so sweet, we had been through so much, and he had saved my life so many times. But that was the problem, wasn't it? I felt indebted to him, as if his saving my life meant that I owed him my love, and that feeling of indebtedness had been slowly smothering me. Now I was gasping for air.

I always try to be strong, but the one thing I have never been good at is allowing those I care about to be hurt. I had started hunting to feed my family and myself. I had volunteered for the Hunger Games to save my sister. And every step I had taken since seems to have been to protect one person or another. It's what I do, especially when I'm hurting. I shove my hurt deep inside, into some far corner of my mind, and I concentrate on not allowing others to be hurt.

Was being around Peeta truly the only way to get peace? To sleep without the nightmares? To find something worth smiling about?

No, I was finally seeing it all. My life was like a map laid out before me. I saw the twists in the road, and the turns I had chosen to make. And I realized where I had made the wrong turn. Staying with Peeta was the easy way, like an easy hike across an open field. The turn I had needed to make was full of rocky terrain, of dangerous threats… but it was the _right_ one. And it was probably too late.

Peeta was standing there, watching me. Watching my face as I processed all the thoughts and feelings flying through my head. "Peeta…" I finally said, but he just shook his head.

"You finally realized it, didn't you?" he asked, like these realizations were the most simple thing in the world. And now that it came to it, they were. He gave me his boyish grin. "I knew you would eventually, Katniss. You don't owe me, you know?"

I said nothing. I did owe him, and that was the problem.

"You still love Gale, real or not real?"

I looked up at Peeta, surprised by his blatantness. Not that it should surprise me after all this time. "Real," I whispered, bracing myself for the look of hurt on Peeta's face.

"I knew that," he said just as softly. "You never said it. You never spoke of Gale at all. But I knew. Did you think it would hurt me less to see you missing him, day after day for the rest of our lives? To know that you only kept things as they were between us because you felt you owed me? That's not love, Katniss. If it's what you wanted then I would take it gladly, because I have always loved you. But you don't love me the same, and we both know it. Stop trying to save everyone else. Save yourself for once."

Peeta walked away after that, closing the door to my house softly behind him. This should hurt, I thought to myself. Peeta was one of the only people I had left, and to hear him let me go should hurt. But strangely it didn't. I felt free.

I picked up the phone that had sat unused in my house. I thought about Gale on District 2, but instead found myself on the phone with Doctor Aurelius.

"I'm glad to finally hear from you, Miss Everdeen," he said. "How are you doing these days?"

"I… I…" Words had never been one of my strengths. "It's been a rough morning."

I'm not even sure of everything I said. I only know that the words started pouring out, telling Doctor Aurelius about missing Gale and talking to Peeta. "Gale hasn't even spoken to me since I was brought home," I told him. "He went on his way to 2 and doesn't write, doesn't call… it's as if I don't exist anymore to him. He thinks… he thinks that I blame him."

"For what?"

I was in tears at this point, sobbing like a little girl. "For Prim. He thinks I blame him because he designed the weapon. He thinks I won't be able to get over it. But I don't blame him. I blame myself, but not him. Never him. Not truly. I just couldn't tell him that before because I was still in shock. I couldn't think or breathe or… I just… I…"

The line was silent for a minute before Doctor Aurelius spoke again. "I am glad to hear you are facing these things. It is good for you. You need closure, and you need to forgive yourself."

"I don't know that I can," I whispered.

"What would you say to Gale? Have you considered writing to him?"

"I'm worse at writing than I am at speaking," I said. "I always manage to make a mess of things. I guess I could always try, or send him a message that Catnip missed him, or… I don't know…"

We sat in silence for a few more minutes as I thought about the things I could say but never would.

_To be continued…_


End file.
